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When I started with zazen

About two years ago I started practicing zazen, first of my own at home when I wasn't feeling in good shape. I had a lot of problems back than, struggling with depression, self doubts and a lot of unanswered conflicts coming from spiritual teachings. Those spiritual teachings were meant to help me and initially they did, but with the time they complicated my life and brought a more thought centered idea into place. Thinking back about time I don't know how I could function - although I don't like the word as it sounds like conform to society. I'm not worried about being anti society, but insanity of function of society. It's like it stops working without particular reason out of the blue.

I suffered a lot and always put myself, my problems central to my thoughts. Like: why me? Why does this happen to me? I lost my girlfriend, my parents divorced a couple of years before and my sister was diagnosed with serious health problems, my dad had alcohol issues and I was in the middle of writing my thesis. I spend so much time with doing anything else but writing, most of the time I lived isolated - for two years or so. I couldn't, I was just desperately locked to my bed and was suffering endless thoughts about my life, god, right action, my family and way too much responsibility for taking care about everyone but myself. Paradoxically I didn't even care for myself but didn't recognize it at that time, trying to solve all problems logically. However there were no solutions to endless thoughts of thoughts about thoughts, which I didn't recognize.

To quiet my mind so I could work halfway I smoked some weed once a while and tried medicating myself with cannabis-cookies, only in real small portions so I felt a small uplift of my mood and could still work and function in society the times I went out my apartment to do groceries. Of course those drugs didn't do any good to me, but it kept me working - otherwise I wouldn't have finished my theses - no doubt. The cannabis which affected my brain however didn't solve my problems and so it was just a temporary relieve. I came across Buddhist teachings the first time when I moved to Amsterdam. I was so fed up with everything, I thought I could just run away and start a new life in another country like a clean sheet of paper - but the shit came back. That's the first thought of almost everyone, Amsterdam, do you have some weed for me? But I didn't move to the Netherlands because of drugs, I just wanted a new start, a challenge in a new job and to become happy. Strange enough since I moved to Amsterdam, where weed is available everywhere I smoked one joint when some friends came over from Germany, but it lost it's attraction to me as it didn't help balancing. It was just a coincidence that my girlfriend lived next to a Zen Center and on Saturday afternoons I could watch people wearing black robes walking in circles from her room, sitting in the window. It seemed odd to me, and I didn't understand it either what they did. But it seemed like some sect to me and I gave it the blame for feeling dissy when I was at her place. I studied some esoteric teachings like radionics, energy healing, Barbara Brennan, Willhelm Reich, Niel Donnald Walsch if you want to get some background information's from wikipedia. But something kept fascinating me about the zennies, as I still didn't find solutions for some of the problems confronting me, like the ongoing demonizing of everything which seemed not to be good, I left out everything which was good. But I couldn't deal with it, all those spiritual knowledge didn't help me not feeling good. Once in a while I came to find myself in a save, clean and energetically undisturbed place. But it didn't lasted for long and with every spiritual high - the one when you think oh I got it, I know why frequency y is disturbing me and my aura is down, a down was the up-follow where I again started searching for what caused miss-balancing my energies. It happened I always came to the point, when it didn't make any sense at all to me anymore and I couldn't find what actually made me feel bad, so that even the searching for the negativity caused boundless thought cycles, where my intuition, perception, feeling and sexuality was turned upside down in conflict with thinking. I had some kind of very clear moments way earlier where I didn't had explanations whatsoever for and I guess it where those situations which made me wanting to have such clarity and peace. I don't mean the black shit sold in coffee shops. I always was more a fan of the more natural weed, where I could see what I consume. I remember once sitting in the garden on a sunny spring afternoon, when visiting family of my girlfriend. I drunk some green tee and I had no words for what happened to me, all the chaos of thoughts just disappeared - I didn't tell anyone about it but I had no explanation for that feeling which was so beautiful it created a longing of I wanted to grasp what had happened to me. I still can't tell, but I know it started a search for me about how I can find clarity of mind. It was just a start, like I mentioned it was most of the time, which followed clouded with depressions and problems which bought me all the way to Amsterdam. Due to my girlfriend I became interested in more eastern teachings, she was a reiki practitioner and traveled for a couple of months through Asia and had all kind of Buddha status in her room, which I thought where really demonic. It was on a holiday to Egypt when I have been reading "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind" by Shunryu Suzuki and I felt something so utterly true in his writings that I started practicing zazen on a daily basis and whenever I felt really shitty. A couple of weeks after I came back from vacation I went to the Zen Center, I wanted to practice with a teacher and not all alone for myself. Almost everything of those spiritual teachings I came to have learned before seemed completely irrelevant to me, I wouldn't say they are wrong but I couldn't get along with it and certainly they didn't help. Sill I haven't found everlasting happiness - if something like that does exist, but a way to life more fully and aware. Not easier or without realizing my mind wandering in thoughts - but I know that place I can always come back to: zazen. And only knowing I have a drug which doesn't create suffering for me or others, with no addiction does keep me grounded. Since then I try to uphold the Buddhist precepts and practicing zazen.

Mind like a holodeck...

beam me up Scotty! I was walking through the city the other day, passing traffic lights just walking around. When I've seen the river behind me - in Haarlem there is a river crossing the city, the Spaarne. So while I was walking not thinking about the river, it occurred to me how I should know the environment which I see, hear and perceive is real? It could have been it is just like a holodeck, where all forms live and senses are just occurring, coming up in existance without any need. So when the perceived isn't any real who tells me I'm real existing in this world which isn't real. What's the anchor keeping me grounded, while the universe is flying changing colours, forms, sounds and hitting the ground. Sometimes I'm wondering if zazen is alienating me, it's like discovering new life forms on this planet called earth. However the planet isn't the center of the universe. But forgive my importance of perceiving the universe it's new years eve, the rockets going up the sky making noises while I sit inside doing zazen, experiencing the limits of my holodeck. You know the situation when you think I know what to say, and than in that very moment you got the idea. My usual reaction is to blame someone else, not actively but unintentional my thoughts drift towards another person being faulty for my misconception. Which conceptually corrects somehow itself, it's self-regulating. Like putting out the finger, to signal beam me up Scotty through space to another galaxy! Oh yeah I would love that. Through the galaxy without space and time, where there are black holes and stars shining bright which get perceived as stripes along the windows traveling with warp 9. However when doing zazen my mind isn't always quiet like that, most of the time when I'm not starting to imagine I'm on the holodeck the mind plays tricks with me, imagination. The usual suspect when it comes to that point is nobody else than me myself, which realises: gosh what is the mind bubbling for bullshit - ok, it's fine just get your thoughts down. And like days when it's new years eve it ain't that easy with all the rockets penetrating the sky, good I'm on the holodeck so it's just imagination reminding me to light another incense to watch the white wall, focus on the breath with hands in the cosmic mudra.

Have you ever tried to calm down your mind while you are in the middle of something - mind like a thundercloud. When assuming the mind to be like the cloud, a sky just passes by like any other rocket, nothing hits, you just hear the sound in the background vanishing in air without substance. But yeah there is nothing on TV which is worthwhile watching the sky quieting when sitting zazen. It takes some time until the clouds clear the sky, so the stars can be seen on the firmament. I know the world is mundane also on new years, but that mundanety of everyday in and out is pretty awesome for buddhists. That doesn't mean I feel like an alien when I'm watching TV, but yes sometime I dooooo and I prefer Star Track before some silly TV show where I have to see the latest society who is who moderated, beam me up! When starting with a clear mind it is like that, you see 5 eyed monsters which Captain Kirc tries to phaser down, so they don't attack the rest of the crew. Luckily the one guy staring at the medusa wasn't seriously attacked either. Switching channels doesn't improve however some people like watching multi-channeled - extra terrestrial, artificial intelligences from other planets sucking their minds with an über dimensional line coming from space to dock on their neurotransmitters. Yeah, I guess that was the reaction of my brain when I kissed for the first time, a neuronal firework a la exquisite and it lasted for half an hour untill I got my tongue back from the intertwinement of her braces - yikes. I was sixteen at that time and had to go to bed early to get to the next school day. Somehow those kind of events are anchored heavily in the brain, and it's good because I liked her smile even with the braces, nowadays braces I guess are part of geekdom anyhow. It wasn't new years eve the night I kissed her, but I was sooooo in love or at least my neuronal network celebrating birthday, christmas and new years the same time. Neurones which fire together wire together, the Hebbian theory something which stuck to my brain from the courses of artificial intelligence and neuroscience at university. Not that I ever succeeded training multilayered neuronal networks to play four up properly without pre-knowledge of analysing the patterns, there I was - back to reality with my imagination of artificial intelligence. But it's good to come to realization there ain't such thing as artificial tools which could actually think like humans, good for the aliens.

Happy new years!

Trip to Frankfurt

"Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?" - Homer Simpson

Three weeks ago I went for a weekend to Frankfurt to attend the talks of Brad Warner. It was really interesting and his presence disturbing, creative and inspiring. I didn't had expectations regarding how he would be, but definitely not like the usual zen teacher you are dreaming about.
The first talk was at the Dogen Zendo Frankfurt a nice location, and the first Zendo I have been into which is really japanese style, with tatami matts, calligraphy and the japanese style doors to separate the meditation hall from the kitchen area.
I stayed at the hotel 5elements which was located in the red-light district close to central station. It was more a hostel kind of facility but I had a quite decent room for myself which was comfortable. Normally I always get the odd room numbers like 420 or 112, but this time I was lucky, besides the hotel was located in the red-light district. But I guess having a hostel in Amsterdam located in the red-light district would be worse than a room in 5elements hotel. The good thing though, I figured a way so I didn't had to walk along the ladies all the time.
It was also the first time I had to sit with the face turned towards the wall, and honestly there is way less distraction I figured, but instead more focus inwards, as there is only the wall watching against too.
The second day was stunning too, it was at the balance yoga center and unlike the Zendo a complete different setting. Lucky as I was just in time before the talk started and got one of the last places to sit, I didn't had a proper zabuton though, but yeah I figured Yoga isn't Zen. I'm doing some stretching exercises too lately, not yoga but Makko Ho which is kind of a japanese form of yoga. It is a warm-up median stretch also practiced by shiatsu practitioners. Anyway, the talk of Brad was stunning I like the way he teaches contemporary buddhism, bummer it wasn't LA.

Before the talk on Saturday I walked through Frankfurt and I have to say it wouldn't be the city of choice for me living. I would miss the beach, culture and cosiness of the Netherlands - a lot of skyscrapers with clear facades and finance- / money related business. But I was impressed by the Zendo. While I walked around I passed by a comic book store and there in the middle of the window she was: the Lady Death as a statue for 45 bugs, I stopped looked around but couldn't get it over my heart to pay 45 bugs for her, I walked twice around the block but she stayed where she was - in the window of the shop. Somehow it reminded me of a Simpsons episode in which homer was under suspicion for groping, I think it was the nanny. But all he did was removing a gelatine-madonna which sticked to the jeans of the young lady, homer always get's into troubles like this.  

After the talk at the second day I went back to the hostel, it was bummer there wasn't really time to talk to Brad, as I would have known what to ask...? I don't know actually, and it wasn't all that easy but I'm really glad I met him Brad Warner. When I entered the next U-Bahn station to head home a kind of crime scene like situation: Popcorn spread everywhere and in the middle a Rock-Star Energy Drink, ok I'm not as good as grandpa Simpson in making up stories - but it looked really odd, and the wired thing when I turned around the scene changed.

What I really appreciate is the way Brad always emphasises his take on the teacher - student relationship. I think he is right in pointing out a teacher should not be worshipped godlike being, but what also appeared to me is the student creates the teacher, with the illusion the teacher could give something to him, but what is given is teaching for self insight. I think it wouldn't be any good if a teacher just can give the holy drink and there would not be any more questions, life isn't like that - seriously. It's about the daily practice and routine, how to combine and integrate the practice. Last weekend I attended a lecture of Keisen Vuillemin and he had the same take about the title master: "The title master is not a title which can be given by someone. One can not become a master, being a master means mastering the self, the title is rather an obstacle".

I see the concept of god in a similar way, it was invented through human consciousness as a concept. And saying that what can not be perceived like what was before and is after human consciousness is god, is just replacing the problem. That human has a tendency to destroy himself is evil because he isn't thinking or aware of responsibility towards himself and so others when he gives responsibility to another instance may it be god or a master, or in the case of Homer beer, the duff-man and Mr. Burns. No hell, there is no paradise with rewards after life - god knows. Freud by the way categorised the concept of god as neurosis, oh my god that would mean a lot of people are sick. But why worry about it, all concepts are just concepts. Good and evil do exist, there is right and wrong action - without doubt. And at the point where wrong action becomes right action the world stands upside down. Evil is becoming good because of good intention and good becomes evil because of evil intention. When there is no intention after all, good just emerges. If one is so convinced of himself to see, listen to truth, even to the extend when believing the own perception to be true, perception of others can not be different. However if the mind is not getting influenced by external, such mind is true mind, eager to realise itself and delusion.

Limboland

Limboland is a country which doesn't exist, it's like Springfield you know the one from the us and a. Sometimes I wish I would live in Limboland, where life is a lot easier: I would order a glass of "I don't give a fuck" and sit back and relax. The problem it's not like it is possible to go to the next Toys "R" US and stay in childhood memory. Kids have a really naive way of approaching the world, which is way simpler than the complicated one we are imagining. But thinking about the world, it's not possible to find a proper description of the world. It's so fucking big, I can't imagine! So complex, vast and ungraspable. But when I say the world is like that, how can I say it's the world. One thing is for sure, even with all computational power which exist in the world, it is not graspable as all machines are created through thought processes by humans, which help a lot to share information and all that - so don't get me wrong, but they still can't exceed thought processes as they are created just by thought processes of humans which make mistakes, that's the beauty of it. The first insect which flew into a computer and stopped the process was a bug, that's why failures in programs are called bugs. So the first bug wasn't programmed. Like the answer google gives to the question: "what is the answer to life the universe and everything". Google says it's 42 - I don't give a fuck. There isn't something which can describe the world, although a lot of humans are so afraid they wan't to put it into measure in numbers, words which isn't possible. It's like trying to describe what is now. What usually follows is a description of now is that what happened a moment ago, at this moment and the next moment, it isn't a movie. When I could describe everything what it is not, than now would be left. As it isn't possible to describe everything which exists in the world, it isn't possible to describe what is now, or what is what can not be described. Now is the universe collapsing and expanding at the same moment, without action - just presence. But when I think about it it isn't a place somewhere else where to place myself. So when I'm saying I would like to be in Limboland, than I'm creating the distance between me and Limboland. Limboland obviously doesn't exist. But how is it with the glass, does the glass exist? Visually it does exist, but when we name it a glass it doesn't describe the glass. It is just a name for the object which is perceived. Scientifically and philosophically it bubbles down to a description of numberless atoms, words and smaller units which describe the whole.

At the weekends my house always get's attacked by slimy snails, and I have to confess I stepped on one when it was dark the pre-previous weekend. It wasn't intentional though. I don't know why they are coming in the weekends, maybe it's just me because I'm late at night home fridays / saturdays - sometimes. When I enter the living room I don't have a light-switch available directly so I have to walk first through the livingroom, where it happened the last time - I killed the snail. Strictly speaking I'm against killing animals. The same goes for not to eat meat, which is a follow up. Maybe I'm just scared about eating meat but I think fear is a good thing. When I would completely live in Limboland I wouldn't have to care, because I would have no fear, which isn't true. Limboland is where you are, which doesn't mean there are no fears. If I would live without emotions, completely there would also be no fun, which isn't true. But I'm not living in Limboland, and at nights the cats are fighting on the top of my roof, it's like star wars: "grrrhwhhhhhdddsssss...... meowhhh". They are weird though, for what reason are they fighting? There are enough houses, places, mice, milk and during the day enough kids which want to pet them. Anyway, I think it's better to be a cat than a dog - depends on the dog though.  

But I don't see youth of today is escaping reality, but reality is a lot of times what is made out of it. The usual pattern and I mean perception of reality is a constructed view. The brain processes things which it sees and creates own realities, associations of things which happened in the past and in context of the situation and moment. The wish to step into some kind of fantasy world is presence for many. But such constructed worlds are not real. Although I have seen videos of people going off on elves in world of warcraft, I don't think the majority of people can't distinguish between virtual and reality. Adapting to the masses though isn't a solution either, it's why I think it is better to go the cat's way.

Don't eat meat = eating meat kills animals!

Kobun Chino Otogawa

At a gathering of some of Kobun’s long-term students in Santa Cruz, CA, shortly before Kobun’s death, a student asked, “Kobun, why do we sit?” He replied:

"We sit to make life meaningful. The significance of our life is not experienced in striving to create some perfect thing. We must simply start with accepting ourselves. Sitting brings us back to actually who and where we are. This can be very painful. Self-acceptance is the hardest thing to do. If we can’t accept ourselves, we are living in ignorance, this darkest night. We may still be awake, but we don’t know where we are. We cannot see. The mind has no light. Practice is this candle in our very darkest room."

From the wikipedia

Roses and the funeral

The other day I went to a graveyard to think about life and death and the common ground of religions. Of course a graveyard is not the common ground, there are also people which choose for cremation or funeral at sea. However I think I would choose for cremation, so people wouldn't have to take care or worry about grave. What I had to think about when I was walking between the graves was what is the connection everyone has no matter which religion or origin they are from, not to talk about cultural background. So I would say the difference between religion and background is not a question of background but essence of buddhist understanding. Buddhism is a philosophy which in itself isn't religion, and more a general understanding of mind. So why I think, the common ground of religion and society is fear - fear of death. So if there is teaching to transcend the matter of death, death no longer is a problem. When buddhism, does provide such teaching it is not religion. The idea of god in religion does create doctrine of brain - which is evil. In zazen there is god, it's the direct experience of god, without concept or dogma. The concept of god in christianity in contradiction is based on fear. The unknown which is after life is equal to being judged for life. Which differs from the idea of karma, where right and wrong action do influence your life already. The idea of karma differs from wrong seeing, karma is already there every day, we just don't realize it because we are walking with closed eyes.

But saying for example the moving stairways of Amsterdam Central up or down is the gate to heaven and hell. Doesn't make any sense whatsoever. So why I'm ranting about christianity is because me and a lot of other people are bumping into it, trapped in the concept of fear, which is misused in society and religion. Like some über monkey has eaten the holy shit and pursues the truth to come all over the place. Why all the mess if everything is perfect as it is? You should use your brain, to think about things, because you can change it. But sometimes, you shouldn't listen to your brain. Thought processes complicate things, where zen amplifies action without thought - prajna. I'm not referring to action where there is first thought and then action, it is action from intuition. So of what use is zazen, when there is nothing to reach? There is no use, nothing to achieve! Zazen enables you to see your thought processes clearly as just thoughts, ideas and concepts. So when you see thought processes clearly you are not longer trapped by them, it's like stepping through thought process - where you identify yourself. The perceiver is just a concept as is the projection, it's all in your mind. When doing zazen it doesn't mean you become god yourself, it just means you realise yourself as part of universe. Which includes facing the most evil parts of yourself. When you can accept the deepest and most evil part of yourself you can accept others, which doesn't mean you have to kill to reach enlightenment. It is already there right here right now!

You shouldn't follow the white rabbit all the way down to the hole, there is no end down that hole! So when doing zazen, sometimes it can get really trippy, but trips don't last forever, at a certain point it get's over, you can't be high all the time, it just doesn't work like that. Enlightenment is overrated and from my perspective, shouldn't be a goal of the practice. Every-time you place yourself over, so over others you do exactly the same thing to yourself, how is that possible - it's karma. But such karma isn't karma in the sense of what buddhist see as karma!

The tradition of buddhism is a teaching between master and student, which is transmitted through following the master and learning, by his presence.